One night after 15 beers I discovered all the secrets of the universe. Needless to say, in the morning all details were lost or blurry, and only the impression, the distant echo of wisdom remained. That and one hell of a hangover.

"I'm not drunk. I'm a zen buddhist master in a deep transcendental meditative state."

sometimes it's hard being a die-hard dive-bar regular in a world where you have to go to work in the morning.

High Fidelity: it's the one where John Cusack runs a record store and obsesses over past girlfriends. (also, based on the Nick Hornby novel of the same name, though that one is a different critter)

I love this movie. I wouldn't say it's my all time favorite-- I have a lot of other favorite movies. Some are profound, some are action-packed and blood-soaked, some are just damn funny.

High Fidelity is different. I identify with this movie. Perhaps too damn closely

(that may be grounds for a whole 'nother entry)
but still, this is the closest thing I've found that corresponds (and at that, maybe only 30%) with my own damned, fucked up experience. I'd buy it and give it as a gift to all my old girlfriends, but that would be weird. Or maybe not. Or maybe just for one ex-girlfriend.

[insert fugue-state-type description of this relationship, which has already been posted here a dozen times or more]

It ain't healthy, you think I don't know that? but it is what it is. My life isn't a movie. There is no happy ending. There's just me, my life, my problems, and our history.

I think I may buy her a copy of High Fidelity anyway, if I ever think of a non-creepy way to give it to her.

"Always wear sunscreen."

no, wait. that's not right.


[restarting... ... ... ...
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If I could encounter my historic self, say an 18-year-old version of me just about to embark on the adventure that is college, and had the opportunity to give that poor, dumb bastard some of the wisdom that has since accumulated... well, I'd likely do some research and send back winning lottery numbers. If time permitted, I might include a few names (ones to avoid and ones to seek out) and maybe a bit of pointed advice on the sorts of things you should never say in a staff meeting. And maybe a couple of other things...

Unfortunately, none of this is possible. However, I can go over a few of those 'other things' here, in hopes that someone may eventually get some use out of it.

My gift, my curse, is an instinctive feel for pubs. I am home there. I know the boards and bars like a captain knows his ship, like a broker knows the markets, like a lover knows the curve of...

I won't bore you with the [cough] details of that last simile. [private requests for info accompanied by a recent picture will be considered on a case by case basis]

I also have a knack with bar staff. My face and drink of choice are known at more bars than I have any right or reason to be proud of. (I'm still proud.) The shortest elapsed time it took me to get a free beer from a new bartender is 40 minutes. (note: She just met me, I didn't represent myself as anything other than an ordinary customer, and I wasn't angling for a free anything-- it was just a spontaneous gesture on her part. Like I said, it's a knack.) This is the sort of thing that can't be taught, at least not in a traditional manner. If you'd like to learn, you'll need to set aside a month or 20 to go out drinking with me.

Most won't have the time or interest in that sort of investment. Luckily, while this sort of thing can't be taught, you can follow a few simple guidelines.

insert some kind of disclaimer here. Alcohol is a drug, [blah, blah, blah... hey, is that a blimp?... now what was he saying?] there are numerous potential hazards, so take personal responsibility. There are laws and consequences-- you're an adult, you can work it out for yourself. If you're not yet an adult, I'll refer you to 'laws and consequences', cited so very recently

Matt's Golden Rules.

1. Always tip. Always.

2. Be polite. The staff appreciates the occasional Please and Thank You.

3. Be patient. If you're in a hurry, try a drive-through, not a bar.

Matt's other rules

4. if you don't know what you want (say, you're just now 21 and this is legitimately a new experience) then you should probably be drinking a beer. Oh, there is a whole universe of beverage options out there, but I've been there, I've done that, and I've always come back to beer. If nothing else, beer is an excellent place to start.

5. boredom is not a good reason. Whether you're alone or at a party, you shouldn't drink just because it's the only thing to do.

6. I enjoy breaking rule 5. But I can usually find something else to go with a few beers.

7. Alcohol will not make you wittier, happier, socially adept, sophisticated, charming, or popular. At it's very best, alcohol is merely an amplifier; if you start out an asshole, then after a few beers you're just a drunk asshole.

8. I enjoy breaking rule 7, too.

9. corollary to rules 7 & 8: alcohol is a social lubricant. It eases the rough corners, and lets people who might not otherwise get along relax a bit and enjoy themselves.

10. corollary to rules 7 through 9: A little alcohol is a social lubricant, a lot of alcohol can be a problem. It will all end in tears, I tell you. See rule 13.

11. corollary to rules 7 through 10: if there happens to be a drunk asshole in attendance, he's going to latch onto you, and talk your damn ear off. I'm still trying to figure out why, and develop appropriate counters, because it's starting to piss me off.

12. drinking is not a race. There are no prizes for passing out first.

13. know you limits.

14. test your limits... once.

15. OK, maybe twice.

16. sugar is your enemy. Sweet-tasting drinks will get you in trouble every time. see rule 4.

17. time is your friend. always look for ways to linger, to waste time, to find other things to do (you know, besides shots, or more beer). Personally: I read the papers, I smoke a pipe, I do crosswords, I drag the laptop along and write. When opportunities present themselves I engage in conversation with lovely representatives of the opposite sex. Anything to burn another hour and give my liver time to process another half ounce of pure alcohol.

18. know your exit strategy. 2am and drunk off your ass is not the time to think about how that ass of yours is getting home. Plan ahead, just a little bit.

19. Drinking at home is OK-- Drinking with friends, that's very cool-- Drinking in pubs: now this is part of what civilization is all about. But drinking alone... more than a couple of beers with a meal (which is not only acceptable, but also recommended) and you're just wasting it. Unless it's 6am and you need a beer to steady your hand (heard of the DT's? You don't want to know, really) I would save up the really good drunks until you have an opportunity to share with others. A private party at a friend's place or a weeknight down at the local, it's all the same, just try to find a few poor souls to drag down with you.

(and 20... we do like nice round numbers, don't we?)

20. Never be afraid to cut your losses and go home. the sooner, the better, in fact. No matter what time you leave, one of your friends will turn up the next morning with "Oh, dude, right after you left... you won't believe what happened." Honestly, it happens every time. Don't sweat it. If this isn't your night, go home.

When it is your time, though, go out and seize the freakin' day so hard that for the next week, it'll cower whimpering in a corner and avoid eye contact with you or any of your friends.

And back to rule #1:
Since I know for a fact that something like 80% of the population could use direction on this issue, I'd like to finish up with a few notes on tipping:

- Tip more than 15%. Try 20-25%. Even one buck over bare minimum can go a long way.

- Leave something even if service was bad. Please note: you do not get better service by pissing off the bartender. That should be obvious. So if you plan on a return visit, a couple extra dollars now will translate into better treatment later. There is at least one bartender out there whom quite a few people swear up and down is an ice queen and a royal bitch besides-- but she always has a smile for me.

- Even if you plan on never coming back, you should leave a nice tip. It'll leave them wondering.

-- Tipping is more than just 15% of your tab. It's also rent on the barstool. --

The pay usually sucks; the staff makes their real money off of tips. If you're drinking nonalcoholic beverages (why?) or if for some reason all your drinks are free (and stuff like this does happen occasionally, or weekly, depending on circumstances; damn I miss the old Beer Garten) you'll need to tip like you were paying full drink prices on everything anyway. The logic here is that if your fat ass wasn't sitting there, some other guy would be there actually paying for stuff. So you should be considerate and pay the damn tip.

Why tip?
- They remember your name.
- They remember your drink.
- They're always glad to see you. Happy bartenders are your best friend. How else do you think we get free drinks, priority service, and other special treatment?
- A good track record will earn you a bye when you really are short on cash and can't leave a decent tip.
- if you really are an asshole, being known as a good tipper may be the only reason they put up with your shit. No one is going to tell you that you're an ass--or at least, not so often to your face--unless of course, you stop paying for that privilege.

- Money speaks louder than anything else. If you enjoyed yourself, a nice tip is the best way to express it.

I haven't had a single damn beer in over a week. It's starting to make me a little crabby. You know the only thing worse than no beer?

No beer, and no money to go out and buy beer. Come on, payday!

Actually, I think I already have plans for that next paycheck, too. Damn it. Well, this is sort of a good thing: I'm looking at building a portable set up to replace the missing bar (y'all remember the bar in my living room? good times, good times.) and since it's really just for me, and no longer an entire horde of collegiate sponges at this point, I'm guessing that a single tap will do.

Now, while I could go the multiple-hundreds-of-dollars route and get the kegerator or whatever brand name deal, I've decided to go low tech instead. (well, and spend the multiple hundreds on Guinness. Good lord, you wouldn't believe what the price tag is on just the faucet, let alone the gas, regulator, draft arm, etc. etc.) (oh yeah, and the $150 bucks or so for the keg. Damn that tasty, tasty Guinness. Damn it to hell. )

Two weeks from now, I should have pictures. Unless I break down and spend the money on beer-now rather than the cool-but-presently-undrinkable-beer-later. No matter how cool it will be. Did I mention that I had this really cool idea for a...

oh. well then.

as it turns out, my little draft beer project is looking a little bit cheaper each day, as I investigate the various components and find actual prices rather than my initial (rough) estimates.

It's still something I'm going to spread out over two (or three) paychecks, but it may not break the bank. One nice thing about doing the build myself is that I can buy parts a few at a time, so I don't need to cough up $600 all at once. ("Three easy payments of $165! act now!") The other nice thing about the DIY draft box is that this looks like it will only cost me $600. (that estimate includes the first keg, btw.) (And this is for a Guinness draft setup. I've got enough parts hanging around in my closet that I could do a standard draft set-up for about $200) (which I may do next black and tans, dude. After the Guinness, the Bass setup is easy)

Of course, in hammering out details, a few luxuries will inevitibly be delayed until the right parts can be found, or left by the wayside entirely. The solid oak top, for example: yeah, well, I can't find unfinished table tops at the Home Despot anymore. (I could have sworn they stocked those) I looked for a moment at a solid oak stair tread (it's like an inch and a quarter thick, nice stuff) and I think I will get back to that as the final bar-top application-- just not this week. Since my setup will be making it's debut in an outdoor venue in a couple of weeks, I think I'll go with a cheap plastic patio table. It already has a hole in the middle for the tap, too.

After calling a place or three, I've got my first important piece lined up: Beer Gas. This is a Nitrogen & CO2 mix (75% to 25%) and this is what the rest of the crap is for. A sine qua non. I'm picking that up tomorrow.

I'm off to the restaurant supply place this afternoon to buy other essentials.
The stout faucet.
The N2 regulator.
A new draft arm (my current tower has four faucets on it--overkill--so I need to pick up a single faucet model).
and some sort of cooling system-- I'm going low tech, ice instead of electricity, but there are some efficient ways to do that, too.

Of course, I still need to get exact measurements on a Guinness keg before I begin the build, because, you know, it'd be stupid to start the build without that kind of info.

(fieldtrip! let's see, the pub opens in about 20 minutes... see ya!)

o.k., so there are some parts for the draft setup that need to be ordered. And delivered from a warehouse in Minnesota somewhere-- This is why I started a couple of weeks out from when I'd like to debut the system.

In the meantime, I get to enjoy beer-now. I did set aside a couple hundred bucks to cover equipment costs next week, but as for the rest...

I was never very good at keeping a budget. Right now I'm sitting in a bar (I should post a map, cross-referencing beer taps and wifi hot spots) and looking at ordering a few beers and dinner before bar trivia later in the evening. I think I may manage to drink through any surplus money before 9pm tonight. (it is what it is. I'm not saying it's a good thing.)

I should have a better idea of where I'm at (financially, and also with the equipment) in the morning. At least for the nonce

(I can't believe I just typed that)

... I'll be drinking beer and and enjoying myself. Details and hangover to be posted later.

It's odd that the parts I thought I'd get around to last are the ones that I was able to assemble first. While waiting on Superior to deliver the draft equipment I need, I've been back and forth to the Home Despot a couple of times today working on the cold box. I like the pieces I was able to pick up; assembly is more difficult that I thought, though, and of course I figured out better ways to do things about 2 hours after I started, but that's how this stuff goes.

Thumbnail sketch: If you want a cooler, you can go out and buy one, or you can take two plastic containers and some sort of insulation and build your own-- which is what I was attempting today. (Details, parts, prices, pictures: I promise, these are coming. For right now you just have to put up with offhand comments and vague descriptions.)

Right now I'm hoping the spray foam insulation will surprise me and do the job I want it to do even though the application I attempted is sort of contra-indicated by the directions on the package. (I'll give it overnight, and then a couple of days, and just hope that the stuff cures.) (this is one of those situations where I figured out a better way to do things, after the stuff was already applied, incidentally. yeah, nuts.)

While waiting for foam to cure, I'm out analyzing other kinds of foam. I don't know if there has been a recent rash of bars adding wifi, or if I just now started paying attention, but I have found yet another place to drink beer and check my email. It's cool. Actually, I'll probably do a review on the current venue (Summit's) at some point in the near future. Not tonight, though.

You know, even doing this in my own half-assed, not quite perfect way, I'm psyched about having the new beer equipment. The next week or two will prove if execution can match imagination.

I can't track down which entry it was, but at some point on this forum I mentioned that among other things I shouldn't do while drinking--and my, there are quite a few, aren't there--somewhere close to the top of the the list is sending out drunken emails.

yeah, well, if I were completely in control of my faculties it wouldn't be a very good drunk, would it?

this last one seems innocuous enough, though I will need to review my email traffic later. sober. And of course, I'm over her.

[snort] [snicker] yeah, that one made me laugh too. I wonder if she knows... I'd like to think that if she knew, there would be a whole different dynamic to that whole relationship.


you know, screw it. among the many things I can't change, I can't take back email after it's sent. And like I said, it didn't seem like anything wrong when I sent it...

things have been busy at the store (incidentally, you might want to check out your local bookstore; we started one hell of a sale on DVDs yesterday) (I work at one of the big ones that starts with 'B') (no, the other one) and I've had my own projects to take care of...

I just haven't had time to write. Well, I've written a good bit for the novel-- lets say I haven't had time to blog.
to make up for it, I'll try to set up some entries tomorrow to auto-post over the holiday weekend. I won't be here-- I'm going camping-- but there will be some activity on my tabulas, anyway.

Guinness Draft Setup

Major Components

- Beer Gas: a blend of 75% N2 and 25% CO2. Guinness doesn't run on straight nitrogen, the draft uses a blend because... actually, I'm not sure. Because St. James Gate in Dublin says so. I think it may be because nitrogen gas is comparatively light, so they add some heavier CO2 to drive beer through the lines. It may be an artifact of the manufacturing process, and it's just cheaper to leave some in, rather than go for pure N2. Doesn't matter much; there is CO2 in Guinness anyway. It's beer, you can't make beer without bubbles. Why nitrogen? It forms a much smaller bubble in beer, leading to dense heads and a creamy texture.
- stout faucet: A special faucet is used with nitrogen draft beers. The gas is only half the story-- the faucet has a restrictor, a little perforated plate inside that (from what I've read) forces out any CO2 bubbles. This is what is churning the Guinness as it pours from the tap, and why a fresh-poured Guinness is cloudy.
- And a Keg. no Guinness keg, no Guinness pints.

Some combination of these components will eventually lead to a glass of the lovely black stuff. Draft equipment is actually fairly easy to build and manage, you just need to know where to get the parts.

Parts List

20 lb. bottle of Beer Gas, $35 + an $80 deposit)
N2 Regulator, $46
draft arm, $60
stout faucet, $90
a keg coupler (not as kinky as it sounds), $44 if I didn't already own one
keg tub, in this case a $15 trash can
ice; I'll probably go through $10 worth
Beer, $147 + a $40 deposit

and that's about it. Well, I think I spent another $40 or so on parts I didn't actually use in this build.

Overall assembly time: 2 hours. Time spent fiddling with it to get it to work after hooking up the keg: remarkably, only a minute or two. Works like a dream. It's a lovely little thing.

pictures later. more info on the build later, to go with the pictures. And I'll see you folks Wednesday. I should have left 4 hours ago.