The Lecture Series
-- first -- previous -- next semester --


"I'm sorry Nigel, but to be blunt, I have to ask. Just how much are you drinking each week?"
How much have you got?

"Don't be flip. I'm your friend, I'm trying to help..."
Oh my yes, you're my friend. You're the Dean, and you're my friend. [beat] Might I remind you that when your current position was open, and the search committee hadn't quite finished their recommendations for the Board of Governors, I was caught with one of your graduate assistants in a cheap motel room?
"Yes, but you were caught." [beat] "...in a cheap motel room..."
Damn it, I was being set up...
[slow smile] "Judge Solomon didn't buy that and frankly, I don't think it'll fly outside of court, either."

[beat]
[glare]
well I suppose I don't have any evidence. Just what in the hell did you want, Marshall?
"Well, it seems to have come up again this semester..."
It? Quit padding around the bush. You have a [hem] stack of complaints?
"There has been more than one..."
[interrupting] so you have two complaints about me giving lectures while drunk from a couple of prudes who likely already object to my course content
"why yes..."
[interrupting] though of course it's beyond me why these puritans continue to sign up for my course, given that 'comparative mythology' is pretty clearly part of the catalog description
"but, you see..."
[continuing] not to mention part of the damn course title, for love of Zeus, and if they can't handle a few challenges to their sheltered belief structure
"but that's not the point..."
[plowing through] I have no idea how they'll handle the real world, which treats moralistic crusaders and bleeding hearts alike with the same rough gloves
[beat]
what, you're not going to interrupt me again?

"Nigel, I am trying to help you here. These complaints aren't just falling into the abyss, they're being forwarded to the Governors..."
by whom I wonder...
"and now you're interrupting me." [beat] "The Board of Governors isn't just going to shrug this off. Once the alumni get involved"
[glare]
"Yes, Nigel, at least one of your 'puritans' is a scion, the son of a..."
Scion? Drop the elitist-darkened-board-room-crap. Hell, does anybody even use that word anymore? Scion? [laughing] Are we running a college or a WASPy secret society for the Mayflower set?
"Now, see, that kind of disregard for the very valid concerns of our alumnae will..."

[standing]
I don't think I need to stick around for the rest of this. You and your blueblood donors can go stuff it. I have tenure. I'm here to teach, damn you. If you or one of your student lackeys or anyone else for that matter has a problem with the content of my course, they can take it up with Dr. Samuels. I don"t have the time or the need to stand here and defend myself.

[shuffles papers at desk] [smug bastard] "Oh yes, Dr. Samuels. It seems he's set to retire in a month."
Before the end of the academic term?
"Yes. Health problems, apparently. And in the mean time, while we look for a new department head..."
Go ahead and say it, you asshole.
"I'll be serving as interim head of your department. So not only am I your boss..."
...You're now also my other boss. Neat trick.
[beat]

I'm not going to make it easy on you. You can kick my ass out to the curb, but I'm not going to walk it there myself. Hell, I don't need this, I've been published, I wrote the damn textbooks, remember? I have other income. And even given other mitigating factors, there are those who will...
[interrupting] "Oh. No one is going to defend you, I don't think."

[beat]
Of course you're right. I'm a drunk, and a felon apparently though of course that is still being appealed. But the rights of another tenured professor will not be ignored even if most of the faculty finds me personally, well, distasteful. You cannot run this college as your own kingdom, Marshall. You haven't been in academia long; it's not a democracy, or even a feudal hierarchy. Professors are each absolute in their own sphere-- it's like a conclave of popes. They may not fight for me specifically but they will defend their own province like it's a goddamn gold depository.
"Really, Nigel, I think you're exaggerating."

Hmm. Well. No, I think on at least one point you may be right. This may be my last academic term, if that is really what you want. But you'd be surprised at the many trivial ways a hundred little monarchs can make your life difficult if they feel threatened. And an attack on even the most marginal of their membership-- me, for example-- even if they hate my guts, by lowering yourself to get rid of me you will have made an enemy of them all.
[beat]
but of course, I'm not done yet, Marshall. Do what thou wilt. I will teach. And this last batch of rats will get all they bargained for and more. As a man who has been [wry grin] proven in court to do whatever he damn well pleases in the face of both campus regulations and the law of the land, how do you think I'll behave when I know that no matter what my actions are, the consequences will be the same?
[turns, leaves. Stops at door, turns back]
Be a good dog, Marshall, and report this to the Board. You have no grounds to dismiss me yet, but your masters would be disappointed if you didn't tell them about the progress you've made today.

[leaves. No need to slam the door. Just a slow walk away from the office, leaving the door to swing as it will.]

-- to be continued --